As a mother currently navigating the rollercoaster ride of parenting both a 2.5-year-old toddler and a 14-year-old teenager, I often find myself marveling at the surprising similarities between these two seemingly distinct stages of childhood. While on the surface, toddlers and teens appear worlds apart—one learning to string sentences together while the other experiments with complex social dynamics—their core behaviours and developmental needs have striking resemblances. It’s almost as if toddlers and teenagers are two sides of the same coin, reflecting the same emotional and psychological challenges but in different ways.
In this article, I want to share the unexpected parallels between toddlers and teenagers, based on personal experience and backed by research, along with practical advice to help parents approach these stages with more empathy and understanding.
1. Seeking Independence While Clinging to Dependence
Both toddlers and teens are caught in a tug-of-war between wanting to assert their independence and still needing the comfort and security of their parents. For toddlers, this manifests as the classic “I do it myself!” followed by a meltdown when she can’t manage to zip up her jacket. Teenagers, on the other hand, may push for more freedom, wanting to go out with friends or make their own decisions, yet still find comfort in family routines or seek your help when faced with bigger life questions.
Tip: For both age groups, it’s important to offer choices that allow them to feel in control. For toddlers, it might be choosing between two snacks. For teenagers, it could be more significant decisions like selecting extracurricular activities. In both cases, try to respect their autonomy while being available when they need you.
2. Big Emotions in Little and Large Bodies
If you’ve ever experienced a toddler’s full-blown tantrum over the ‘wrong’ coloured cup or a teenager’s angry outburst over curfew, you know just how intense emotions can get at these stages. Both toddlers and teens experience rapid brain development, particularly in the areas of emotion regulation, which makes mood swings, frustration, and sensitivity more frequent.
Tip: Acknowledge their emotions and offer a calm presence. When my toddler throws a fit, I try to name her emotions—“You’re feeling really frustrated, aren’t you?” This helps her feel seen and understood. With my teenager, I adopt a similar approach: “It seems like you’re really upset about this. Do you want to talk, or do you need some space?” Validating their feelings, even when you don’t agree with their behaviour, goes a long way.
3. Exploring Boundaries (And Testing Patience)
Toddlers and teenagers are wired to test boundaries. Toddlers do this by pushing physical and social limits—running off when you call them back or insisting on touching everything in sight. Teenagers test the boundaries of rules and expectations, often challenging authority or questioning family norms.
Tip: Set clear and consistent boundaries, but be prepared to offer flexibility where appropriate. With toddlers, using simple and direct language helps: “We don’t hit; we use gentle hands.” With teenagers, explaining the reasoning behind rules is more effective: “This curfew is to ensure you get enough sleep for school, not because we don’t trust you.”
4. Identity Exploration
Both toddlers and teenagers are at crucial stages of identity formation. For toddlers, it’s about discovering who they are within the family unit—“I am strong!” or “I am a helper!” Teenagers, on the other hand, are forming identities that extend beyond family, often aligning with peer groups or developing personal values and beliefs.
Tip: Support them in exploring their identities without imposing your own ideas of who they should be. I try to give my toddler positive affirmations: “You’re so curious!” And for my teenager, I focus on open-ended conversations: “What do you think about that?” rather than imposing my views.
5. Social Development: From Parallel Play to Peer Pressure
Toddlers are just beginning to understand social dynamics, often engaging in ‘parallel play’ where they play alongside but not necessarily with others. Teenagers, meanwhile, are immersed in the intense social world of friendships, peer pressure, and the complexities of fitting in.
Tip: For toddlers, I encourage cooperative play by suggesting small collaborative activities like building a tower together. For teens, it’s about offering guidance on managing peer influence: “How do you feel about what your friends are doing? Is that something you want to be part of?”
6. Push and Pull of Attachment
The push-pull dynamic is a hallmark of both stages. One minute your toddler is clinging to your leg, and the next, she’s running off without looking back. Similarly, your teenager might retreat to their room for days, only to suddenly want to spend an entire evening chatting.
Tip: Be the safe harbour they can return to, even when they push you away. With my toddler, I try to be physically present when she’s having an independent streak, staying nearby and making eye contact when she looks back. For my teenager, I try to create regular opportunities for connection, like our weekly movie nights, so he knows I’m always there, without being intrusive.
7. Sleep and Nutrition Battles
Toddlers are infamous for resisting naps and meal times, and teenagers often mirror this with their erratic sleep patterns and sudden aversion to anything that resembles a balanced meal. Both age groups are going through significant growth and hormonal changes, which affect their sleep and appetite.
Tip: Establish a consistent routine that accounts for their developmental needs. For toddlers, a predictable bedtime routine helps. With teenagers, focus on making healthy snacks available and encouraging sleep hygiene rather than forcing early bedtimes, which can backfire.
8. Need for Reassurance
Despite their outbursts and boundary-pushing, both toddlers and teenagers need to know that they are loved unconditionally. They crave reassurance that they are accepted and valued, even when they make mistakes or act out.
Tip: I remind both my toddler and my teen that I love them every day, no matter what. With my toddler, it’s through cuddles and words. With my teenager, it’s more subtle—a text during the day, a hug before bed, or a note left on his desk.
Conclusion: Embrace the Chaos
While parenting toddlers and teenagers simultaneously can feel overwhelming, recognising these shared characteristics helps me respond with more empathy and patience. Understanding that both are going through similar developmental stages (albeit in different contexts) allows us, as parents, to offer the right support. It’s a chaotic journey, but it’s also a deeply rewarding one as we watch these little humans evolve into their future selves.
Whether you’re parenting toddlers, teenagers, or both, remember to take a deep breath, celebrate the small wins, and know that you’re not alone in navigating these parallel yet distinct stages of development.
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